god damn blogs are pretty unimportant.. and stupid. well... this is goodbye.. i suppose.

I'm tired. I feel so old, physically... maybe mentally i guess. I'm starting to think I'm this really bad person... I mean, look at what i say about people? I'm not fair, nor am I nice. If I were you, and I read this- I'd spit on me.

I feel a ... crush starting to develope... I'm not sure how long it will last, or where that'll lead. I don't really care right now.

I want to see leily. I don't really know anybody like her- And i'm getting annoyed and sickened by everyone I do know.

I read a book today... by Poppy Z Brite... It was about these three gay men- one of which is a transexual. And a homosexual cop- a psychotic idiot- a few lawers.... and a crow. I enjoyed it :-)

I still feel as if I'm going to cry... But I'm going to be an ignorent bitch until I figure why it is that I'm so goddamn depressed. AND I DON'T WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND... so anybody that feels that "I'm just lonely"... can go fuck themselves. because I love myself more than I love any of you bastards.

I feel as if I'm going to cry. I feel like I'm going to vomit. What is this? I think I'm ludicrous. I just want to close my eyes, and open them... without looking at all the negatives. Like how I was ditched today by two people, but was I really dissed? I am massively irratated for a completely self infatuated reason.

I'm letting leily down again. I feel like shit. I really do want to do something with her- i fucking admire her. If only I could... be more.. dependable or something. I invited her to this halloween thing, I'm sure she found something to do with Merritt though, and I'm glad. I want to meet Merritt, the only thing i know is that she's adorable [in that heterosexual way]. Well, either way, i'm going to welcome leily to mikeys whenever I go, in the future.

I havnt been feeling very happy. It's not like last year though- last year i'm pretty sure i was depressed for attention... but that's all blurry now. But latly... ive had this stuck up, I'm-so-much-better-than-you attitude towards everyone. And every little thing that somebody does to disrespect me- i get angry.

Anyway. I'm not going out this weekend. I do want to go shopping.. somewhere, but I don't really mind if that fails to happen. I have a lot of homework to work on...

I feel really dampened at this moment. Going back, to when I referred to life as a puzzle. The reason I am displeased with so many of my friends is because theyre all the same puzzle, that I continuously put back together, over and over again. It gets fucking annoying. Fucking boring and stupid and irratating- YOU.
I feel so stupid- yet at the same time I feel uncontrollably smart. I'm so goddamn pathetic- i'm sitting here, talking to people online, getting ready to CRY just because they used sarcasim. Am I that deprived of a normal conversation that the continuous sarcastic statements about something SERIOUS that I've said... ? Why, why can't someone just avoid being goddamn sarcastic- it's fucking rude.



Mitch was always sarcastic. Mitch was always a dick. I was always so, stupid. Why didnt I block him when he was being an asshole. Or why didnt i just tell him that being suicidal wasnt cool like he thought it was. Or why didnt I just tell him to fuck off. To screw himself... to KEEP screwing himself over- because, he really does fucking deserve it. WHY?!?!?! but really, in the end here, it was all his fault. and I can keep telling myself until I'm pleased because this is my world- and i fucking control it.



I wrote this really stupid poem. I showed it to my friend- she didn't read all of it. I could tell- althought she insisted she had- i know she didnt. But all she had to say was "that's really nice". WHAT SHIT IS THAT?! it's ... nice. yeah, and so am I... WHO CARES? give me some other goddamn comment, try... "it was too boring to finish, sorry".. or "yeah, it's kind of lame".. or if you were in a really bad mood, "i think it's good". BUT IT'S NICE?!



I wonder how I would react if somebody in my family died from a drug overdose- well... i'm sure it'll happenm, Considering everyone in my family does drugs. But, if it had happened, would i say anything to my friends? or would i just stop talking to them all together? By friends, i mean the people i socialize with that do drugs or some sort.



Nikki just completely ignored me. I'm kind of angry. Possibly because I'm angry with everyone else.

Dang it. this is all stupid teenage thoughts that everyone has- and everyone is supposed to have. So I'll just go finish this thought process in isolation.

somebody. please. Enlighten me for just a moment. I'm depressed- Stupid druggies are in my group fucking everywhere. Bethany's cousin just died from a Drug overdose. And here is Beccah; this idiot-retard-pathetic-wanna-be little girl, who goes around ACTING as if she's this big.. drug fein, when REALLY she's this child... this impressionable little child, that'll do anything to fit in. So.. today I wanted to slap her [as i do many days]... because she whines, and i know i do. She's flat out pathetic. Damn her. Damn them all.



I want to go to This Riot Grrrl Meeting thing with Leily on Saterday. But the thought of me going, me- a straight... stupid.... prep, hanging out with Leily, smart, pretty... bi/homosexual. Ugh, I'm so fucking degraded. Ok, i am just going to go, and act like i'm better than everyone. that always works.

I wrote a peom. A poem about how mitch is an idiot. Jesus, i'm such an idiot.

I hate Sean. I don't want anybody to like him. NO GIRLS. I mean, I wouldnt give a shit if he didnt act as if he were some GOD just because he's able to look into the fucking mirror and see a face that girls like. He's not not good looking. He's not cute. He can be smart, when he wants to be. But one thing is for sure, he's a fucking goddamn WOMENIZER. damn-god cocky little bitch. Those girls are all fools. I'm totally going to look into becoming a homosexual. Why does there have to be sexual organs or feelings anyway? Why can't people just reproduce because they HAVE to, not because they find a person fuck-able.

Damnit, sometimes I'm so angry at myself for being such a good person. For caring all the time. For being so nice. For being so shallow when I really don't have to be. When I most certainally CAN get up and push you, I can call you a fucking whore, I can call you a bad annoying little friend, who doesnt deserve to walk next to me in the fucking hallway.. but NO, I'm just walking inplace... I'm pretending you idiot. I don't love you. I don't need you. I don't WANT you. I want to kill you.



So i'm starting to think... why... why it is that I care? why i care about how i look, and how i act, and whom I'm mad at. I hate admitting that I have a growing jealousy for another person. One night, while drinking, Sean told me that he was envious me. Envious of me because I hang around these [so called] preps, and he was looking at my CD's... and he arose with a sense of envy that I can hang out with whoever I wish, and have my own self-mold. Well, maybe I'm flattering myself with the statement he gave me.. Over elaberating it, maybe. But I was drunk at the time, and I do have this, I'm-king-of-the-world attidude while intoxicated.

I can't stop throwing up continuously in my mind damnit. Sean likes Natalie. If I were him I'd shoot myself. I really don't like boys. I'm going to go to a camp to turn me into a homosexual. That way I could be... happy.

A long pause while thinking... thinking about who I like, and who i dislike....

I think in some odd way I'm becoming psychotic. I'm finding myself laughing. And being kind of... edgy.. and bitchy.. and while everyone else conseves it as -being funny- which I really don't find myself to be, I'm laying here, harmed.. angry... angry.. and you. or me?